LeBron James
Resolution – I will take fewer mental notes, shut up and play basketball, be a good teammate and work hard to win that elusive NBA Championship.
Likely outcome – By late February LeBron will have to “clarify” at least two more statements he has made as well as claim that his Twitter account has been hacked into. His extended time standing in front of the mirror trying to figure out his best “I just ran someone over on an out-of-control drive to the hoop but still got the call” face will distract from team chemistry and they will end up losing in the Eastern Conference Finals.
Chad Ochocinco
Resolution – I will spend less time on reality TV and a little more time on the practice field and in the weight room to prove that I have not lost a step and that I am still an elite receiver.
Likely Outcome – The offseason starts off with good intentions and Chad actually starts working on his game. Sadly, the progress is derailed by the fact that both he and his wife are media whores. They sign up for a VH1 reality show, the inevitable fake divorce, the scripted fights and then the actual divorce will prove to be too much and Ochocinco will have a disappointing start to the season and the Bengals will trade him to the Raiders for a pair spiked shoulder pads and a promise that Al Davis will stop prank calling them with trade offers for Ken Stabler.
Al Davis
Resolution – I will hand over control of the team to a young, bright GM who doesn’t look like a skeleton and he will make the decisions and I will reap the benefits. And I will stop prank calling the Bengals.
Likely Outcome – Al doesn’t hand over control of the team, the team's die-hard fan base gets another sub .500 season and Al Davis pretends that he can’t hear when he is booed during games. He is, however, forced to stop prank calling the Bengals as he makes another ill-advised trade for a big-name player who is no longer productive. Al also gets a leading role in the 5th “Pirates” movie playing the canon-shooting, sword wielding pirate who just can’t call it quits even though every other pirate is using AK-47’s and night vision.
Tiger Woods
Resolution – I will practice my golf game and get it back on track, I will work as hard as possible to win at least one Major this year. Also, I will not cheat on any wives or girlfriends I may have this year.
Likely Outcome – Tiger will start of the year well, winning the Masters in April. Scared that Tiger is “back” Phil Mickelson will send “friends” to his room every night while in the UK for the British Open. Tiger, who is in a relationship, resists and sends Phil into a tailspin. It is later revealed that all of the “friends” Phil sent up were deemed “too attractive”.
David Stern
Resolution – I will fix NBA officiating and make it so it doesn’t look like our league is directly tied to the mafia.
Likely Outcome - David Stern falls asleep on his Learjet on his way to a WNBA game in Tulsa and forgets that he ever made this resolution. Sadly the napkin he wrote it on ends up in the pocket of a certain Italian family’s oldest son, never to be seen again. The NBA continues its unspoken partnership with the mafia and “series extender” Dick Bavetta continues to referee games despite the fact that he was born in the 1930’s.
Roger Goodell
Resolution – I will not be like David Stern and kill the popularity of my league through mismanagement and hypocrisy. I will look for meaningful solutions to the concussion issue.
Likely Outcome – Roger will start off the year looking into equipment upgrades, helmet size regulations and meaningful changes to the game that would prevent injuries. The season begins with nothing meaningful in place except for a poorly produced video that confuses the players. More fines are doled out, officials get confused about the rules ruining several games, NFL popularity suffers a dip and somewhere in New Jersey David Stern is dropping off a silver suitcase full of cash into a car with fake license plates.
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